Lables

 Once you get out of high school, what you "are" I think becomes defined by what you do.  What I mean, by what you "are", is what label you go by or what group you associate with.  When I was in high school I didn't really have a singular group or label that I defined myself with, but many.  I hung out with lots of smart kids but by any means didn't really consider myself to be on their levels.  I did yearbook and debate team but they weren't my defining activities the same way the drama and sports were for some people.
 Out of high school, I defined myself as a college student for the year and a half that I was one.  When I quit school and started working full time to support myself I did begin defining myself by what I did, especially when I wasn't just a floor staff employee but part of the management team.
 I continued to tie my personal success with my professional success, so advancing through the ranks was very important to me.  It was my way of validating my choice of quitting school, so I could say that I wasn't a failure but a great manager.  I became a manager at age nineteen, third in charge at age twenty-one and when I changed jobs, I became a general manager at age twenty two.
 I felt secure in who I was because I knew what I was doing.  I was a professional, supporting myself (and at the time Casey, who was in school).  We weren't by any means rich but we had our roles, or labels, and were able to live comfortably in that situation for the next five years.  Casey went from a part-time to all-time student and I was the main means of support for us.
 By the time he was in pharmacy school, I was working for a national pharmacy as a manager.  I was bringing home the bacon, and cooking it, but for the next three years it was mostly for me and the dogs.  Casey was literally at school from six or seven in the morning until nine at nine some weeks, plus he had a great study group and they would get together on the weekends.  I became a part-time wife at this time in addition to professional.
 When Casey graduated, I kept working full time but we had made plans that once we had a baby I would stay at home with him, which I did in March of last year.  My label is now homemaker, stay-at-home-mom, keeper of the house.  This label is not necessarily one that I ever really thought I would wear.  I have worked, at least part-time, since I was sixteen years old and it feels weird to me that my work and home lives are the same thing.
 There is no seperation and I kinda feel lost.  I am a full-time mom, that is all that I do and am.  I'm not knocking mothers in any way; this is probably the hardest job I have ever had.  There is no training, no one to step in when a problem is over my head and show me the way.  I don't get off early anymore, have weekends or overtime.  My product has been customer service for the last twelve years and now I have only one customer who isn't very good at expressing what it is that he wants.
 I have not figured out how to be me, but as a mom.  I'm not used to being dependent on someone and hate having to ask Casey for money.  I like to buy stuff for him and Wes and I don't do it as much as I used to when I had my own, discretionary, income to do that.  I feel guilty buying a gift for Casey with his own money.  I have always been able to take care of myself and feel less than adequate not having money to waste.  And I know I shouldn't waste money on stupid things like magazines or treats for the dogs or stuff like that, but I feel as if I am less than what I once was because I am dependent on someone.
 I love staying at home with Wes, don't get me wrong, but I feel like I'm not contributing to our household in a quanitfiable (is that right?) way right now.  I could be working and Wes could stay with my Mom some days and I think that I would at least feel more productive that way.


 My first world problems, having waited a few days to post this, seem self-indulgent now.  I haven't deleted anything or changed anything from when I originally started typing this, but self-identity issues don't really seem to be that big a problem in the grand scheme of things.  Maybe it's turning thirty next week, maybe it's my youngest sister graduating last week (with her second degree and me with none), maybe it's just melancholy; I'm sorry if I bummed you out.  I'll try not to do it again anytime soon.

Decorations Para La Nueva Casa.

 I am in the middle of trying to figure out how to decorate.  For the first time since I moved out of my parent's house I have the ability to paint walls and hang pictures without having to worry about a landlord's disapproval.
 Casey and I had decided long ago that we wanted to do black and white photos for the living room.  Unfortunately I have no good pictures of me in the last year and a half, mainly because I'm taking them.  So I went through my maternity photos and picked some good ones of me and Casey together as well as me by myself.
 I also picked some of my favorites that I have taken in the last year and a half of Wes.  The difference is obvious which ones are taken by me and which ones are professional.  I have some editing to do still on my pictures, but these are the photos that I have so far:

       

 

 






 For Wes' bathroom, I want to do a big wall print and have been looking at different options.  I was thinking song lyrics, like "Good Day Sunshine" from The Beatles or "Three Little Birds" lyrics from Bob Marley.  Then I thought about something graphic, something that is colorful but still appropriate for the bathroom.  So this is what I came up with:

 For our bedroom, I wanted to do the songs from our wedding video.  "Love Me Tender" performed by Norah Jones was our song and then in the video we had Motley Crue's "Without You," Los Lonely Boys' "More Than Love," and Alicia Keys "If I Ain't Got You."

 

 

 I have also bought some shelves to go up on the walls on either side of the entertainment center, with some knickknacks, photos and other mementos from our trips.  Is this stuff up yet, no.  But I do want everything up and perfect before I we have a housewarming party.  So, my original plan of August is now pushed back to late September or early October (every weekend in September is already booked).  But, I've got a direction now so that's the first step.