Christmas time is near...

Generally, I get crazy into Christmas decorating and making gifts and everything that is cliche for the season.  I try to start shopping in September or October, hoping to be done buying stuff by November.  Christmas cards need to be finished by Thanksgiving, which is when I try to start sending them out.  I try to start decorating the house the weekend after Thanksgiving as well, with a live tree when it is possible.  I then, hopefully, will have the whole month of December to craft gifts so that they are ready to be given/mailed out at the appropriate times.

 This year, oh ho, this year is different.  I don't have a wreath or door decoration up because it has been a stormy month and I don't want to hear it banging around.  We didn't get a tree because we didn't get a chance to get one until the tenth and I didn't want to put up a tree for two weeks as well as try to get low enough to water it.  I did end up putting some decorations up so that we can put stockings out and have somewhere to place gifts.  Wes loves having the lights on!

 

 I don't usually make treats for Christmas.  I was asked to bring a dessert to my Grandpa Sandoval's dinner so I thought I would do something easy but festive.  I decided to make brownies with crushed candy cane on top.  Wes was a really good helper and helped me bake these treats. 

 Looks delicious!  I haven't tried them yet but the house smells awesome, like peppermint and chocolate.  Although the mix is store bought, I did make one change to the recipe.  Instead of using the oil, water and eggs that are called for in the recipe, I used a can of black beans instead.  This one change in the recipe means that the brownies are just a teensy bit healthier than normal.  I found the recipe online; I honestly didn't make this change because it was healthier but because it was easier for me to do.  Wes helped me out the whole time, which wasn't necessarily faster but he wasn't in my way or trying to get into things.  He helped me puree the beans, he helped me mix the batter with the electric mixer and he loved breaking the candy canes up with the rolling pin!  Here is the recipe that I found:

• 1 18oz Brownie Box mix ( I used the Pillsbury Chocolate Fudge mix)
• 1 15.5 oz can of Black Beans
• water
• sprinkles (optional)

First drain and rinse the beans. Place beans back into the can and fill with water. The idea here is to replace the salty bean juice with fresh water to reduce the sodium. If you have sodium free beans this step is unnecessary.

Puree the beans and water together. Add the bean puree and brownie mix to large bowl.  Mix well with a spatula until combined.  Spray your brownie pan with non stick spray and pour in the batter. (I used an aluminum pan from the dollar store.)  Top with festive sprinkles if you like. (NOTE: I put the candy canes on at this point on the first batch, but the melted out a bit.  The second batch I made I waited about fifteen minutes and then placed the candy canes on top and they didn't melt at all.)  Bake for 30 minutes. This may vary based on your pan size and material. They take less time then the package states for traditional eggs/oil. I found 30 minutes to be perfect. A toothpick stuck in came out clear and the top was firm to the touch. If you bake longer they will start to dry out and become more cake like.  Remove form oven and let cool in pan.

 Depending on how I feel today, I may attempt to make some cream cheese mints as well, but I'm not sure if that is going to get done.  This year is the year the I am letting go.  If it gets done, then it gets done; if it doesn't, the world isn't going to stop because of it.  I very much doubt I'll keep this attitude going forward but limitations this year have made me more likely to embrace this idea.  I still have gifts for Wes that need to be wrapped but instead of wrapping them individually, I may end up putting a few together in a box and then it's fewer presents to wrap for me.  We got a huge ride-on tractor for Wes and Casey is going to have to put it together tonight, so at least we'll be up together!

I'm sorry buddy

I went out to Target this afternoon with Wes and I did it.  I totally lost my shit and yelled at him and I feel so bad.  This is the first time I've really had a hard time controlling my patience with him, especially in public, and I feel horrible that today was my turn to lose it in public.
We took Casey lunch and Wes didn't want to leave him so I bribed him.  I try not to break out popcorn while shopping that often but I felt today it was warranted.  After being in the store and placing him in the cart, getting popcorn and soda and getting him his movie we actually started shopping. 
While shopping, he did really well.  He dropped my tablet once and scolded him but have it back to him to keep the tantrum at bay.  We walked the store, got what we needed and when he started getting antsy I headed to the front to checkout.  As soon as we got up front Wes tried to climb out of the cart.  I put him to work bib putting our items on the belt so they could be rung up.
Finished with that Wes climbed out of the seat and sat on the handle and would not sit back on the seat.  I had thrown my purse in the cart and I couldn't hold onto him and reach my wallet at the same time and add I wrestled with him my soda tipped over in the cart and started leading all over the floor!
I didn't notice it at first but when I did I got really upset, at both Wes and myself.  I picked it up, told the clerk and  got Wes seated so I could grab my wallet.  I paid and apologized (and then apologized again) and headed out of the store.  Wes didn't want to walk now so I pushed the cart out.  I got to my car and noticed that the lady on my passenger side, where Wes' seat is, had parked as close as she could and still be in her stall.
Great.  I usually open Wes' door as much as possible so I can maneuver him in his seat and not hit him anywhere on the car or squish my ever-growing belly.  I go to pick him up and he freaks out, he doesn't want to get in the car.  I've lost my patience at this point and pick him up and haul him over to the car.  He isn't having it and is squirming and fidgeting and won't let me buckle him in.  He wants his shooter and his kikis (silkies) and is kicking out at me.
I lost it.  I got down at his level and told him that he doesn't get to kick at me and he started trying to hit me.  Then I, still at his level, started talking loudly (or yelling, whatever) telling him he needs to stop fighting me and let me buckle him in.  He looked at me and I buckled him in and went to put the cart in the coral, noticing all the people walking to and from the store.
I didn't care, I took a moment to take a deep breath and headed back to the car to face the tantrum I was sure that was waiting for me.  As I sat down I turned to look at Wes, who wasn't having a tantrum at all.  He had a single tear running down his cheek and he just looked at me.  I felt, and still feel, horrible. 
I had to still stop at the UPS store and a minute after leaving the store he was passed out in his seat.  I knew he was tired and I was trying to hurry home but after seeing him sacked out I decided to take my time.  Not only to extend his nap but I wanted the time to calm myself.
I still feel bad.  I've never yelled at him like that and I'm mad that I couldn't control myself better.  He's two and he was tired.  I should've been able to understand that and I didn't.
Today was a big parenting fail.

Why love= food for me

 In August 2011 my paternal grandma had a series of strokes.  After spending some time in the hospital she was able to attend both of my sisters weddings that were to soon take place and she also was able to go home.  At the time, we knew that the Grandma Rufie of the past wasn't going to be coming back to us.

 My Grandma Rufie loved nothing more than to have everyone over to her house, preferably to feed all of us.  She spent countless hours in the kitchen, often times a crowded kitchen, literally making her love for us something tangible.  As soon as you stepped foot into the house, Grandma was offering food and drink to you.  It didn't matter if you had just eaten, you still weren't taken care of until you had at least a drink in hand or food in your belly.

 She used to take all of us grand kids for the night when we were all younger.  She would make tons of food for us, stay up all night teaching us poker, let us use all the blankets we needed to make forts and she indulged as a much as she could.  Even after family dinners when we had cookies and coffee for dessert, she would sneak us some Oreos to take on the ride home!  

 My grandma supported us no matter what.  When I moved to go to college I tried to make it home at least once a month to visit and I went back to school just about every month with fresh tortillas and food.  When I got engaged, my grandma gave me a set of embroidered flour-sack towels; I've never used them and have kept them safe in my closet so as to not ruin them.  When we had Wesley's baby shower, she apologized that she hadn't got a gift for me yet (she wasn't driving anymore at that time) but gave us some money to get Wes what he needed.  

 When Wes was born, just as when all of the grand kids were born, my grandma was instantly smitten and loved nothing more than to hold him.  She would reach for him as soon as she saw him and was content to just sit with him in her lap for as long as possible.  

 In November Grandma took a turn for the worse.  She had been slowly declining in health in the last two years, having fallen a few times and slowly losing movement and speech functions.  But it seemed that all of a sudden she wasn't here, calling people by the wrong names and not being able to swallow and speaking in Spanish when she knew some of us only spoke English. 

 On November 11 everyone who was able came to the house to say goodbye to Grandma.  On November 14, around seven in the morning Grandma Rufie died.  I have to say that I felt more relief than grief at that point.  My Grandma had been suffering for the last few years and she wasn't anymore.  I can't imagine what it was like to be trapped by a failing body and not be able to communicate as well as you used to.  

 I've tried to remember specific things from before the stroke and it's hard to do.  When I would come home to visit after I moved away she would always sit down with me and gossip and I have a hard time hearing her voice.  Her exact smell, the mixture of her perfume and her personal scent is lost to me now.  

 Anyway, that weekend I was okay as long as I had something to do.  I got to my grandparent's house and my sister was tasked with writing the obituary.  Together she and I got something together, something that I hope conveyed how much Grandma loved her family.  I then got to work on a memorial video for her.  With every one's help with pictures and my grandpa's song suggestions, I was able to make a video for her viewing.  Once I was done with that, though, I had a much harder time.

 Again, I wasn't really upset for me as I was for my Grandpa.  My grandpa was forced to retire early after a heart attack and then several years later went blind, with no explanation.  He hasn't allowed these restraints to stop him from doing what he loves, like playing guitar and gardening.  It's been very hard to watch Grandpa break down crying.  My grandparents were one week away from there 63rd wedding anniversary when Grandma died; after that much time together how do  you live without one another?

 Watching my aunts and dad grieve has been very hard to watch as well.  There isn't a magic cure-all for grief and words aren't enough when you lose a family member, especially a parent.  Trying to be there and do as much as I can for them, I hope that helped.  

 The viewing and funeral were really hard to go to.  I'm not ashamed to say that I hardly spent any time up at the casket.  My Grandma was already gone and even though her body was still here, what made my Grandma my Grandma was already gone.  I'm not sure that seeing her in the casket is the last way I want to remember her.
 I've been working on a Christmas gift for my aunts and it has evolved from what I had originally planned.  I wanted to get one of my Grandma's recipes and print it out on fabric and give it as a tea towel.  I had a recipe picked and ready at home when everything happened last month.  Now, I'm going to make a recipe book with her handwritten recipe cards and some photos.
 Grandma Rufie was very organized with her recipes, she had several boxes of clipped and handwritten recipes.  There were often multiples and most of her recipe cards only hold ingredients; no baking directions because she knew what needed to be done.  She had many wrapped in plastic wrap or plastic sleeves so that they wouldn't be ruined while in use.  As I've been scanning them, I had to unwrap some of them and I was able to smell her every now and then.

Boy oh Boy! What a few months it's been

 Today we had our 20 week ultrasound, to make sure the baby is developing at a healthy and normal rate as well as to find out the sex (a little later on this).  For me, we needed to find out if this pregnancy was going to continue better than it has been or if it would proceed in the same, not so enjoyable vein.

 The last time I wrote about my pregnancy, I was just getting over a month-long feeling of malaise.  I was finally feeling well enough to start cooking and cleaning again and was excited to start enjoying this pregnancy like I did with Wes.

 We went to our September check-up, everything seemed well and the heartbeat was nice and strong.  Then the very next weekend I started bleeding a little bit, then a lot.  I checked with my doctor's office and was told to come into University Hospital's ER if I got really crampy or the bleeding worsened.  Luckily neither of those events came to pass but they still wanted me to come in Monday morning for a viability ultrasound.  After throwing up in the lobby of the hospital (right in front of Starbucks, not embarrassing at all) we got a to see the baby, doing really well.  A little spotting here and there, but nothing to worry about when we went to my next appointment in October.

 My appointment was on Wednesday, everything again going really well and then on Thursday afternoon I started bleeding heavily.  Of course it was after hours and when I got a hold of the on-call doctor, she said unless I was in a lot of pain to not come into the ER but head in to the hospital in the morning for another viability ultrasound.  So I dropped Wes off with Casey Friday morning and headed up to the U to make sure everything was okay.

 I got my ultrasound done, again saw the baby bouncing around and was reassured that nothing on the ultrasound indicated why I might be bleeding.  I headed down the hill, got lunch for us and then went to Casey's office to get Wes and eat lunch.  I was literally walking into Casey's building and felt myself start bleeding again, and heavily this time.  I freaked out, called my doctor's office and waited for the nurse to call me back.  Sure that something was wrong, I just waited for them to call me back and tell me to head back up to the hospital.  (Not that it hasn't been a TMI post already, but here comes the good stuff!)  When the nurse called me back, I had already started to head home, figuring that they would catch me on the freeway and I could whip up to the hospital, no problem.

 I had been using the only maxi-pads I had at home all morning and they were overnight ones leftover from my post-delivery recovery two and a half years prior.  The nurses said if I was soaking through one or more pantyliners an hour for more than one hour or having severe cramps to come in immediately.  At that point I had soaked through an overnight pad in less than an hour but had no cramping.  So I waited.  And while I waited for it to get worse my mom came to pick Wes up and take him to a Halloween party that I couldn't make.  My mom and dad took Wes for the weekend and I didn't do anything; I slept, got up, moved to the sofa, ate, and then went back to bed.  

 The bleeding got better early Friday evening and never did have any cramping.  Sunday afternoon I drove up to north to pick up Wes but stopped at my sister's house in Clinton first.  As I got out of my car I got some pretty severe cramps but they stopped after a few minutes and I was able to head over to my parent's house in Roy.  I felt a pressure on my belly and had to lean my seat back and thought maybe that was what caused the cramp.  I got to my Mom's house, ate lunch with them and then got Wes packed into the car and ready to go.  

 As I got into my seat, the cramps hit again.  It was horrible pain, starting in my back and then coming forward into my lower belly.  I couldn't sit down in my car and had to get out and lean over.  Not wanting to leave Wes alone in the car, I walked back to my parent's door and rang the bell.  My mom answered and I told her I had some bad pain and if someone could go sit with Wes for a minute.  I really didn't mean to scare my parent's that bad but the cramps were horrendous and I couldn't stand up straight.  My dad wanted to call Casey to come and get me but after about fifteen minutes or so the cramps were gone and I felt well enough to drive home.  My parent's wanted to follow me and make sure that we got home safely but with a promise to pull-over if I had any problems, we made it by ourselves.  

 I went in Monday morning to get checked out and make sure the baby was alright.  After hearing a strong heartbeat I got an awesome exam.  I was told that my cervix was closed and that there was no apparent reason why I was bleeding.  The NP I saw told me to treat this bleeding as if I had a placenta previa and to go on pelvic rest until I knew for sure if that was the case.

The Mayo Clinic explains a placenta previa as "Placenta previa occurs when a baby's placenta partially or totally covers the mother's cervix — the doorway between the uterus and the vagina. Placenta previa can cause severe bleeding before or during delivery."  Pelvic rest was explained to me as: no sex, no exercise, no swimming, no baths, no undo pelvic strain and no lifting.  If it was indeed Placenta Previa I would have to have a C-Section when it came time to deliver so that I could avoid bleeding out during a vaginal delivery.  Awesome.

 So for the next three and a half weeks I bled, sometimes heavy and sometimes light.  I really didn't have any cramping or pain, so that was good.  And for the fun part, my nausea and vomiting came back just to make me really appreciate Wes' easy pregnancy.  Of course, during this time Wes needs to be taken care of as well.  We watch a lot  more movies than we used to, he goes into his playroom and plays with his toys and brings them back to me to play with and it's hard to pick him up as much as he wants. 

 I had plans to enroll Wes in his second swim lesson this November; he passed parent-tot level 1 and is only able to do parent-tot level 2 until he turns three.  I wanted to keep the time between when he would be able to do more lessons as short as possible because he loves being in the pool.  With my new no-swimming mandate there went our plans to do swim lessons before he turns 3.

 Then, as quickly as it started, the bleeding stopped.  Just stopped, not that I was complaining but I didn't know what to do.  My appointment was that week and to be honest, I was expecting a bad appointment.  I didn't say anything but I was trying to prepare myself in case we didn't hear a heartbeat; I  know that negative thoughts probably weren't the best thing but I wanted to be prepared in case.  Thankfully, everything was good.  I had my 20-week ultrasound scheduled a few weeks after that November appointment and the bleeding stopped so my NP decided to wait to do an ultrasound to check on the previa.

 So, my 20-week ultrasound was scheduled for December 3 and as luck would have it the first big snow storm to hit our area happened that previous night and early morning.  After a somewhat scary drive to University Hospital (stopped car on the freeway + me and a semi trying to stop to avoid hitting him= driving 30 mph the rest of the time on the freeway) we got into the ultrasound room and got ready to watch the monitors.  

 Right away, we could see the baby moving all over.  As the ultrasound tech was trying to get measurements the baby kept bouncing around.  We got to see the baby wave at us, see the heart working perfectly, the crossed feet.  She asked if we wanted to know the gender and we said yes and as she began checking I could clearly see some baby boy parts! 

 I had convinced myself that the baby was a girl because this pregnancy was completely different than Wes' and also because I had a dream back in the spring that I was holding a baby girl.  As each of my sisters found out they were pregnant before me, I waited for them to tell me that they were having a girl and both of them found out that they were having boys.  That meant that I was going to have a girl, I knew it.

 Well, I guess I was wrong about the girl bit but I'm still super excited about having a boy.  Wes doesn't get the whole baby thing yet but I think that these two boys are going to get into lots of trouble together pretty soon!  On the whole, the baby is looking well and progressing at the perfect pace.  He is measuring spot on for his age and weighs 10 ounces as of now. 

 For me, things aren't so positive.  While the placenta has moved away from the cervix, which is good news, I have some veins that are running across the cervix which isn't good news.  The doctor who read the results is calling this a complete previa at this point, so yeah.  My NP called me once she had gone over the results and wanted to go over them with me.  Continued pelvic rest at this point, another ultrasound in 6 weeks to determine if there are any changes and, at this time, we are planning on a C-section when it comes time to deliver.  

 At this point, half way into this pregnancy, I feel okay with the planned C-section.  This isn't going to be a last minute surprise and I can plan for it.  I feel like being able to come to terms with it now will allow for me to enjoy what I can when he comes.  No, it isn't the scenario I wanted (I was hoping for a natural birth this time) but as long as a healthy baby boy is the outcome I think I'll be okay with it.  

 So here's to little boys!  Here's to dirty knees, sweaty kisses and lots and lots of bikes.  Fearless, adventurous and loving little guys who need Mommy when they get hurt and want Daddy to go get dirty with.  I can't wait!

10 years...

“Miss Misery" video

I'm pretty sure I was 16 when a friend and I went to see “Good Will Hunting".  We weren't old enough to see the R-rated film and were going with boys (ooh!) but I really wanted to see this movie.  While it was a good film, and one I can still watch over and over, the soundtrack really got to me. 
I remember going to the library and renting the soundtrack on CD, if that sentence even makes sense anymore.  I listened to it over and over, falling slowly in love with this voice that was so sweet but these words that were so not.  As someone who was raised on the radio Elliott Smith was my first venture, my exploration into non-pop music.
As I got older I started searching out more of his music and have most albums and some live songs, mostly covers.  I feel an intimacy with him that seems inappropriate because I don't actually know him.  Listening to his music always feels like he is singing directly to me, only for me.  He gets me and I him.
I've never suffered from depression but when I do get down I can listen to him and know he gets me.  But I don't need to be down to get him.  I love breaking out into song when “Sweet Adaline" comes on and it makes me happy!  I think even in Elliott's darker stuff there was still a sense of hope to it.
Ten years ago Casey and I were still living in Las Vegas.  I remember having the tv on, tuned to MTV for whatever reason.  All of a sudden Kurt Loder comes on in a breaking news segment to announce that Elliott Smith was dead, from two stab wounds to the chest.  Even after all these years there is no clear indication if his death was a suicide or homicide. 
I remember standing in the hallway of our little apartment, staring at the tv.  Shock and sadness kept me rooted in that spot, listening as what little information was available at the time was rehashed.
I couldn't believe it when Casey asked if I knew what happened 10 years ago today.  He subscribes to Rolling Stone's Twitter feed and always has some random music trivia to make me feel old but today I don't feel old. 
Listening to Elliott Smith's music makes me feel like a 16 year old again: opening myself up to something different and exciting.  Of that rush when a song resonates with you.  When you hit repeat on your discman and get every nuance, every breath intake, every squeak of his fingers sliding across the strings. 
I've yet to find another singer-songwriter who affects me this way and I honestly hope I don't. 

Twelve weeks and counting...

 As of today I am twelve and a half weeks into my second pregnancy.  I am finally feeling much better: the fatigue, the general illness, the blah feeling I felt for almost a month is finally gone.  I finally feel like I can start enjoying this time!
 When I was pregnant with Wesley I had a completely stress-free time, up to the point that I went into early labor with him (here, here, and here.)  There was no morning sickness, no strange pains or bleeding and no abnormalities so I assumed that I would have no problems with any following pregnancies.  Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men... So far I have felt malaise, I have felt nausea and I also got to experience unexplained bleeding.  I freaked out, asked Casey to call my doctor's office (of course it was on a Saturday) and after some debate we decided not to go to the emergency room but wait to go in to get checked out at my doctor's office on Monday.
 There were no other symptoms of anything being wrong but you can't help but worry about every possible thing that could be wrong.  Is this back pain just back pain or is it something more?  After a phone call to the nurse, an appointment was made and I packed Wes into the car and headed to University Hospital to meet Casey at my doctor's office.  I was late, struggling with Wes' shoes that morning and then hitting traffic on 4th South headed up to the U campus.  I parked, grabbed Wes and hurry-walked into the hospital where I handed Wes off to Casey.  As we started walking up to our appointment, I don't know what it was that hit me but I got the rare experience of puking in the lobby of the hospital in front of Starbucks, the piano player and everyone and their dog.  Awesome time made even better when my phone starts ringing and I try to stop vomiting long enough to ask Casey to answer my phone.  Also, some really nice guy comes up to me to ask if I'm okay and instead of saying 'it's morning sickness, nothing to worry about' I just keep saying "I'm fine, my husband is around the corner, I'm fine."
 Having recovered we head up to get a sonogram and Wes is so excited to see the TVs in the room.  He keeps saying "Moo-ie, watch" and then he spins himself around in the spinny chair.  When the tech actually gets to the point where she looks at the baby we try to show Wes on the monitors but he is too interested in the spinny chair, either spinning or pushing buttons on it.  Oh well, we tried.  After the tech left to have the results checked out by the doctor Wes wanted to lay down on the 'bed' and look at the 'moo-ie'.  Wrangling a toddler while pregnant, even with Casey's help, makes me worry that when I am big and cumbersome and more easily tired that I won't be able to keep up with him.
 After everything was checked out, both the baby and I are fine.  I was very happy to see that little heartbeat and watch him/her move around.  The bleeding is left at unexplained but nothing to worry about.  While I'm glad there isn't anything wrong I wish that there was a reason that it happened.  Then I could avoid whatever it was that I did in the future and I could avoid any more stress and worrying.
 My belly is also starting to show already, which makes me glad that I went on a mini shopping spree and bought some maternity shirts last month.  I cannot button my jeans anymore and am loving my belly bands!  I think that I may have to bite the bullet this time and actually buy some maternity jeans that fit well.  My jeans from Maternity Motherhood never seemed to fit very well and they had the dreaded full belly panel that I am hoping to avoid this time around.  My fall sweater jacket is already straining at the buttons so I am already worried how my winter coat is going to fit.  I have looked at some jackets and coats online and I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on a piece of clothing that I will wear for a six months and then never touch again; on the other hand I don't want to cheap out and freeze my ass off all winter (which is predicted to be a long one) because I don't choose a quality piece to begin with.
 I don't have any super weird cravings thus far like I did with Wes at this point.  My last pregnancy I craved sauerkraut and would come home from work and just warm some up and eat it.  Plain, with nothing else.  After my pregnancy I never touched the stuff.  This time around I crave something sour but not one thing in particular.  Pickles and hot and sour soup seem to hit the spot well enough so far that I'm doing all right.  I have had to fight the urge to drink the pickle juice after I finished a jar of pickles but rationality has won out so far.

What I've been up to...

Home by Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros

 I have the great luck of announcing at this time that I am pregnant again!  Yay for Team Eggett!  Casey and I have been hoping that this would happen for some time now and as of yesterday I am 10 weeks along. Wes really doesn't get what's going on, we keep telling him that there is a baby in my belly but he has no idea.

 This pregnancy so far is quite different than my pregnancy with Wes.  I was never sick when I was pregnant with Wes; no morning sickness, no nausea, no vomiting, no nothing.  Until I went into pre-term labor I would say that my pregnancy was awesome.  I felt great, working full time up to my hospitalization.  This time around, I have been down for a few weeks.  While I wouldn't call it morning sickness because I haven't actually been sick, I feel like I could be sick pretty much all day.  I feel the best lying down but with a toddler?  Ain't nobody got time for that!  

 I actually had some insomnia issues for about a week (the week I found out I was pregnant), leading into about a month of doing nothing, where I am now at the point where I feel fine in the morning and early afternoon but come late afternoon/evening and if I'm not constantly eating than the nausea comes on.  I feel bad because I have got into the routine of cooking dinner to be ready by about 5:30 everyday and this last month has been a month of take-out and leftovers.  I'm starting to make dinner again, at least three times this week, so I'm taking this as a positive thing. 

 Three years ago I would have thought that staying at home with a toddler while pregnant would be so much easier than working full time with no kids.  To my old self, I say HA!  So naive, so so very naive.  I used to work mostly closing shifts so I could sleep in if I felt like it.  Now, if I sleep in to eight then it's a good morning.  Sometimes I'll check the monitor and see what Wes is up to; he plays really well by himself in his room and I'll try to sneak in an extra half hour!

 We had our first appointment this week and we saw the heartbeat.  We got as good a picture as possible but right now the picture is mostly blob-like and yolk sac.  For some reason this baby hasn't seemed as real to me as Wes was at this point but when we saw the heartbeat I finally felt like it was real.  For some reason I thought, before the appointment, that maybe I wasn't really pregnant.  That maybe something not good was going on with my body (latent endometriosis fears) and I didn't want to take another pregnancy test in case my fears were true.  So I didn't and just hoped for the best and on Monday morning I saw my little blob.  

 I am at the point right now where I am happy and hoping for a healthy pregnancy and healthy baby.  I have no preferences as to gender; if it's a boy we have all the gear and the since this birth will be a month after Wes' birthday he will fit all the clothes at the right time (summer clothes in the appropriate months, warmer winter clothes at the right time, etc.) so that will work out well.  If we have a girl, then that will be fun too!  I can pull a lot of non-gender specific clothes from Wes' old clothes so we won't start from nothing but it won't be the end of the world if we do have to start over again.  We'll have to get Wes a bed and move him out of the crib so that's kind of a big deal; we are thinking of moving him to the bigger room as well so that is another change that is coming.

 I still worry about how this is going to affect Wes.  He is my baby still, at two and a half, he has had me all to himself his whole life.  I have stayed at home with him since he was born and while he has spent the night over at both grandma and grandpa's houses before (the longest for a week when Casey and I went on vacation last year) I worry that he'll have a hard time not being the center of attention.  Wes has been the only grandchild on my side and will be until this winter.  My youngest sister and her husband are having a baby boy at the end of December and my middle sister and her husband are having a baby in March.  So not only will he go from being the only child but also the only grandchild but the oldest of four grand kids in a matter of months. 

 Are my fears unfounded?  I'm going to say yes as people have had more than one child for literally thousands of years and it hasn't stopped humanity from continuing.  Do I spoil Wes?  Yes I do and I know it.  I know that I will continue to spoil him as long as I can now. From now on I'll be buying popcorn at Target for two little guys and myself  instead.

Making my house MINE

We have been in our house now for just over a year and I feel like it is actually becoming our home, not just A home, if that makes sense.  We haven't painted any rooms, done any remodeling or anything drastic yet (and we do have plans to) but we have done little things to make it ours.  

The front of the house, last year

 My planting bed now, after my efforts

I have absolutely come to love playing in the dirt!  I am so surprised at how much gardening makes me feel calm and relaxed.  I'm hoping my planting bed next spring will look like the picture above!  Where the front of the house was just covered in bushes, I trimmed up the two main shrubs and let them anchor the planting bed.  There was another bush in between the those two but I yanked it and instead I planted some gladiolas for height and color and then some hostas to hopefully grow in as cover.  I also just planted some tulips so that hopefully next year, from spring through later summer, I'll have lots of colorful flowers!  I am debating pulling the shrubs that anchor the bed and replacing them with hydrangeas; currently I want to but I don't know a thing about hydrangeas except how much I love them and don't know how well they will do in mostly shade, how to take care of them, etc.

  

My garden corner, with my crazy tomatoes! 

 Spinach, Lettuce and Cilantro from earlier this summer

(See Moco in the background, still crying over him)

This spring I planted my first in-ground garden and it is doing wonderfully!  I have container-gardened for about five or so years, starting back when we lived in our apartment in West Valley but have longed for the day when I can get in the dirt and play.  I have had very good luck with my tomatoes, squash, zucchini, cucumbers, lettuce and spinach.  My green chile plants only produced one chile so far, but I'm holding out hope that I will get more.  I thought I planted a jalapeno plant but it's some kind of small chile and that is doing well, just not what I wanted.  My strawberries have been...eh, but i didn't expect a big crop this year.  My cantaloupe have flowered like crazy but no cantaloupes on the vines yet.  The only plant that hasn't done really well have been my corn and I blame my squash and zucchini plants for blocking out water and sun; also probably the same problem for my chiles as well.  I have re-evaluated what I will buy next spring for my garden and where I will plant my plants as well.  I will probably add raspberry bushes next year and I might try my hand at some asparagus but not sure yet.

  

I have changed out my front porch planters several times this year and think I finally hit on the one I'm going to keep for a while.  I have porch rail planters and instead of trying to keep it all flowers and replacing them as they die, I planted several perrenial plants and then placed a few pansies in there for color.  The good news is that I don't have to replace a whole planter if I kill the flowers (or more correctly, when I kill the flowers).  

Are either of my gardens showcase worthy?  Not even close, but they make me happy and they give me food.  By putting the time and effort into these areas I am feeling immensely proud of my achievements and my house makes me proud!  I still want to paint the front door blue and have to work on Casey to get him to a) agree to such a bright color and b) actually paint it for me (the door is 9 feet tall and he is much closer to that height than I am, ergo, he will have an easier time painting, right?).  I want to add wall baskets under the lights on the sides of the garage next year as well.  Oh, if I paint the door, I want to paint the shutters on the house to match as well...making my house mine is a never ending list of wants but I'll take it!

Breaking my heart daily

Wes is down to one nap a day.  I need that nap time just as much as he does, if not just to shower or sit a minute and relax.  Gone are the days of his 2 two-hour naps; I am lucky now if his naps last more than hour.
Just because he needs a nap doesn't mean that he wants to nap.  He is pretty tired come two every afternoon and that is when I put him in his bed.  But he fights it, oh how he fights!
I used to lay him down with his movies and he would fall asleep watching them.  But now he forced himself to stay awake and then he is a grouchy bear until bedtime. 
Our routine stays with me asking him if he knows what time it is, which he does as he immediately asks for his moo-ie, or iPhone with his movies.  He doesn't get it anymore so I distract him while we walk to his bed.  We grab a couple of toys to take with him, I have him grab his binky (because I only fight one bake at a time) and then tuck him into bed.
This doesn't seem that bad except when he isn't ready to go take a nap (which is about 80% of the time) he flops down, screams and cries, and kicks and hits anything in his path.  Once in bed, he gator rolls out of my arms to avoid getting tucked in.  I give his tours and silkies, kiss him and tell him I love him and leave.
That's when the real show begins.  He is immediately at his door, banging and kicking at it, all the while crying and screaming “MOMMMMY!  MOMMY!" He'll drag all of his blankets out of bed and pile them in from of his door and make a nest where he will continue to freak out for the next 15-20 minutes. 
Sometimes I'll go in there and try to calm him down, by singing to him and holding him but then that leads to more problems.  I can't leave him unless he is completely out and if he feels me shift to get up our hearts the floor creak, he wakes up and it all starts again.
Instead, I sit out in the living room and eat my lunch and feel guilty for insisting on this daily trauma.  I know he needs it and after the storm he's out, but what a heartwrenching storm it is.  The cries, the pounding in the door, the “MOMMY, I'm crying!"- how does anyone with a heart not react to that? 

Moco Fred Eggett

On February 26,2005 Casey and I were married.  The next morning, as we were still sleeping a phone call woke us.  A girl was calling to let us know her dog had puppies, if we still wanted one.  The mother was a Chihuahua and was bred with a Chihuahua but she must have got out and mated with a Jack Russell down the street resulting in a mixed litter.
When the time came for us to go pick out out puppy we drove out and picked one of the mixed breed pups.  We were living in Parowan at the time and we didn't want to leave him home by himself while he was still little so I would take him to work with me in the morning and Casey would pick him up in the morning after his classes and take him home.
Moco was very smart and was very quick to pick up new tricks.  He learned to sit within 3 of the 5 chicken nuggets from Wendy's.  He stayed, laid down, rolled over, spoke, played dead, played hide and seek, jumped through arms, jumped over baby gates, fetched balls and much more.
When he was a puppy he slept in need with us, at first between our pillows.  When we got Lula he moved to sleep under the covers with me, then between Casey and I and then finally he slept with Casey only when he was cold at night. 
Moco loved the snow.  He would run around, bounding through it.  He lived to catch and chase after snowballs.  When we lived in Cedar City Casey and I would take him over to the soccer fields and run him around forever.  We would play hide and seek, tag, fetch and he loved it.  He also loved to play his and seek with dog treats; I would make him wait in one room and in another I would hide his treats and he would have to search them out.
Moco never seemed really find of Lula; when we got her she was a stray and snapped at him quite a bit and I think that he was wary around her after that.  Despite that caution, they would chase each other around and wrestle, he would bathe her and he would defend her.
Moco was a fiercely loyal dog.  If we were playing chase me with the dogs, he would protect Lula.  If Casey and I were wrestling Moco would growl and bark at Casey.  When Wes came along if we were chasing him and tickling him, Moco would growl at us as well. 
On occasion I would go to bed without Casey being at home.  Whenever it was, wherever we were living, Moco would lie down next to me/my side of the bed until Casey got home.  Only then would he go to his bed and go to sleep.
I have never wanted him to suffer or be in pain and one of my biggest regrets in life thus far is knowing that he was alone and lost when he was hit by a car and that he suffered until we were able to see him.  He didn't recognize us when we were in the room with him and I hate that we haf to put him down under those circumstances.
I know that we did the best we could for him that night and I know he's not suffering.  But I miss my baby.  Wes still asks for 'Coco' and I think Lula is starting to not look for him. 

A hell of a month...

 So it has been over a month since I last posted on here.  I feel like it has been a whirlwind month and I haven't really caught up yet.  My last post was written about the Mother's Day gifts I was making.  I have photos that I wanted to post, but they are on my phone and I haven't transferred them to my laptop yet.  So, no post on how that went but the gifts were received well (or at least I hope, we weren't there.)
 We weren't at my families Mother's Day parties because we went down to Las Vegas to watch Casey's sister get pinned.  Casey's sister had been studying for her RN at the College of Southern Nevada and was graduating and getting pinned in early May.

 Here she is after her children 'pinned' her.  Unfortunately I missed this part of the ceremony because Wes was having a difficult time sitting still and being quiet so we went out into the lobby of the Cashman Center and I tried to keep him occupied.  This didn't work so well so after this, Casey came and relieved me and he let Wes run around.  It was great to see all of Casey's sister's hard work come to fruition.  I am happy that she has found a career path that she is excited to follow.  I know that it's hard to find where you want to be and I am so excited to see where her hard work takes her.

 While down that weekend, we also went out to lunch with some of our friends who live in Vegas.  It was great to get a chance to catch up with people who were such big parts of our lives while we lived down there.  It's so funny to see where everyone has ended up, career-wise, when we met because we all worked together for the movie theatres down in Las Vegas.  I'm so glad to see that everyone is happy and healthy and doing well.

 On our way home from Vegas we stopped in to visit Casey's grandparents.  His grandmother had taken a fall a couple days before and his grandpa had tried to help her up but hurt his back.  When we got to the house Casey's mother was taking his grandpa to the doctor as his back wasn't getting any better; we said a quick hello as they headed out and went inside to visit with his grandmother.  Considering her fall a couple of days before, I thought she was doing pretty good for 91 years old.  I know that old age comes with many ailments, having seen my great-grandma get progressively frailer as she reached her 90's, but Casey's grandmother was so sharp that I was surprised.  She talked to us about how she was doing (physically) and about the party that was held for them the previous fall for her and grandpa's combined 90th birthdays and 70th anniversary.  Casey was on call and we were unable to attend but she had photos to show us and pointed out people who we didn't know.  She knew all the names and had some information to share about everyone there.  We said our good-byes with the promise that next time we were down we come by to visit longer and headed home.

 Just a few days after we got home from Vegas and Cedar City my mom had her birthday.  We drove up to Ogden on her actual birthday to have dinner with both of my parents and one of my sisters.  Tony's Pizza in Ogden has the best dressing for their salads and awesome pizza and being about a half hour away I don't get as many chances to eat there as I would like.  When we finished our meal we walked around the corner and got ice cream at Farr's Ice Cream, another Ogden institution.  It was a nice evening to spend with family and then a few nights later was her birthday party where we got to see a lot more extended family.  It was a great weekend.

 The following weekend was Memorial Weekend which came with beautiful weather this year.  While we stayed home because Casey was on call for the weekend we did have some pretty significant events to attend.  My cousin's daughter had just graduated from high school (Go Royals!) and had a graduation barbecue to celebrate on Saturday.

  At the same party my youngest sister also publicly announced that she was pregnant!  This is great news as this pregnancy did not come easily to her so we are very excited for another baby.  She is due in the beginning of January and we cannot wait to see this next little guy/first little girl!

 The next day Casey's nephew had e his church blessing.  While we didn't make it to the actual blessing (Wes still isn't good at quietly sitting) we made it to the party that Casey's brother and his wife held after and we had a great time there.  My sister-in-law's family has always been so nice and welcoming to us that it was good to see them after a few years.  My in-laws drove up from Southern Utah and Casey's brother that also lives up here also came (along with his family) so it was great to be together and catch up.  It was kind of a hard time for us Eggett's because Casey's parent's dog, Pudge, had just died a few days before.  Pudge had been a loved member of the family for eleven, twelve years.  It is very different not having him greet you when you get to the house or follow all the kids around.

 The following Tuesday morning about 7:30 Casey called me.  I am a firm believer in the 8 to 10 rule, in that no phone calls are made before eight in the morning and ten in the evening out of  respect for whoever it is you are calling.  To me, any phone calls outside of that period are emergency phone calls.  So when Casey called me I answered ASAP even though I was still sleeping.  He told me that it was a good thing that we stopped to see his grandmother when we did, as she had died the previous night.

 As the week progressed, we made plans to head down to Cedar City for the funeral services on Saturday and then the burial services would be held in Bountiful the following Monday.  Unfortunately my cousin's wedding on Saturday would have to be missed and I offered to help out the day before, doing whatever it is that they needed me to do, so I called my aunt and let her know what was going on and why we wouldn't be there.  I also asked my sister to watch my dogs so that an already full house wouldn't be even more chaotic with Moco and Lula underfoot.  

 

 I met Grandma Dunford for the first time at a combined 80th Birthday celebration for both of Casey's maternal grandparents.  It was about seven or eight months after we had started dating and it was being held up in Bountiful at his grandparent's church hall.  When we first arrived in Bountiful we went to the Dunford house to meet up with his family before heading over to the church.  I was introduced to Grandma Dunford and she took me by the hand and began to inquire about me.  She then asked if I could help her with her hair and took me into her bedroom to 'brush' her hair.  Grandma Dunford had always been so kind and interested in what was going on with us.  I know that her frank matter of speaking could (and did) turn some people off but she was never outright callous with her words.  She had plenty of advice for us, especially when Casey began pharmacy school.  Grandma followed Grandpa Dunford all around the country while he got his medical school education, residency and specialties completed so she new what it was like to support someone in a similar situation.  

 At the funeral, we dosed Wes with some Benadryl hoping it would calm him down so that he could sit through the services without wanting to run around, make noises or play.  He had other ideas and to make sure that we weren't a disruption, Wes and I sat in the church lobby.  There was a speaker out there so while I held Wes and made him watch a movie I listened to what everyone had to say.  If there was one thing that was evident to all who were there that day it was that Grandma and Grandpa Dunford had a rare love story that has been hard to emulate.  Seventy years was how long there marriage lasted and it was a true partnership in every way.  It was then, and now, very difficult to see Grandpa suffering for Grandma and I can't imagine the loss that he is feeling right now.  Seventy years with the love of your life, your best friend and companion, a fellow adventurer and to have them gone?  I don't know if I can imagine that.

  Here is hoping that I can catch my breath and relax a bit.  I feel like I have been running from one thing to the next and haven't had a chance to just be.  I know things will come up and I can usually get a handle pretty quickly but I just need a moment.

Mother's Day Gifts

 I had been so caught up in Wes' birthday party then went straight into planning and packing for our family vacation to Florida that I forgot that Mother's Day was coming up soon.  I had several ideas as to what I want to do, but finally narrowed it down when I saw that Walgreens is having an awesome sale on reusable grocery bags, like the one pictured below.

 So my plan is to make the bags and fill them with goodies for all of my aunts, my mother-in-law, and Mom.  Special, personalized gifts will go in my mother-in-law and Mom's gifts beyond just the goodies, but I don't want to elaborate just yet.  But some random kid and dog just won't cut it for my bags, so here are the designs that I am putting on the fronts of the bags:

 Now, my question is:  are these designs too plain, too much, or ok?  My eye is a little rusty on this one for some reason, not too sure if I need to add more or just stick with what I've got.

 For my cousins, I am going to make little gifts, not going to give those away yet either, but put them in super cute packages similar to this:

from this website

 I will add photos of the completed gifts, after Mother's Day, so as to to not completely ruin the surprise. What do you think?  Are these items that you would like to receive?  Or are the lame-o?

Car Seat, oh Car Seat!

When Wes outgrew his infant car seat last summer we looked for a car seat that would fit our needs. I wanted to keep him rear-facing as long as possible. I have read a lot of info and knew a seat that we could keep him turned around as long as possible was a key feature in the seat.
We loved the infant car seat we had, the Chicco Key Fit 30. It was seperate from the base so we could (and did) buy a separate base for each vehicle and we didn't have such a bulky seat. When we went to find a new seat Chicco did not make any that were for toddlers. Infant carriers and children's booster seats were it.
At the time, the Gracco My Ride 65 was getting great reviews. Wes could rear-face to 40 pounds and then forward-face to 65. What I didn't think about was how easy it would be to get in and out. It was cumbersome, the LATCH clips. They didn't loosen or tighten easily. After about 8 months and a new car it was too much and we decided to get a new car seat.
When we started looking again, much to my delight, Chicco has now just introduced a toddler car seat.  It fits well, it is clean looking and most importantly it is easy to install!  I am so happy with this seat.  Chicco really thinks about all aspects of the seat so once his seat is attached to the car all of the straps hide away. Love it!

Baby You Can Drive My Car!

We bought the Element a few months after we had Wes. I used to drive a Civic and loved it but it was a 2-door and was difficult to get him in and out.  I knew I wanted a car thay would accommodate a child easier and Casey wanted something with all-wheel drive for winter safety.  I initially liked the Audi A3 but couldn't find one that was in my comfortable price range. Then I started looking at the Element and that is what we decided to get.  Fast forward (almost) two years and have found out that it was totaled before we bought it and the dealer never told us.  All we were told was it had been hit from behind but it was completely wrecked. When we found that out, we made it a priority to get a different car and I kept going back to the Audi.  I found one that was everything that we wanted but was more than I wanted to spend.  However, I am starting to learn that you get what you pay for and we wanted a safe car this time. 
This is my dream car.  It's comfy, it fits our needs and it hauls ass!  The Element was great for the size and hauling capabilities, but it was a box and it drove like a box.  The A3 is quick, small and light!  I very much love having a car that can move quickly when I need to.

Planning ahead= Major Letdowns

So I gave up five year plans a while back but have continued to make short-term goals and plans.  Somehow, I have convinced myself that I have control over some things in my life when I clearly do not.
Very specifically, getting pregnant in the time line I wanted.  If I had had my way, I would have been pregnant last spring so that Wes and his sibling would be +/- 2 years apart. 
However, I wanted to get Lasik done as well.  My vision problems combined with night feedings and exhaustion was not something I wanted to repeat if possible.  Last February I contacted a local vision center and was told I had to be finished with breastfeeding for at least a month before I would be seen and that I couldn't try to get pregnant within 3 months of getting surgery done.
I had actually just stopped breastfeeding Wes that week but couldn't get back in for an appointment until May.  After waiting so long, I was rushed into surgery within days of my consultation appointment.  I love having my eyes done and have not had any problems with it other than putting off my pregnancy plans.
Come September I was given the all clear from my eye doctor but then my body decided to start acting all wonky.  When I could start trying to get pregnant I basically had to reset my body and had to stay on birth control for a few months. 
Come January I pulled the goalie, as one of my uncles says, and promptly had issues again.  My stupid body acting stupid again caused me to get my hopes up but to no end.
We have only been trying, really trying, for two months and I am disappointed.  I have been disappointed for about a year now, I so wanted a baby by now.  I loved being pregnant with Wes and wanted to have a new baby by now, or at least be pregnant.
Being uset is useless, I know that.  It will happen when it happens and I know I that it could always be worse.  With my endometriosis I expected to have such a hard time getting pregnant last time and it only took us three months of trying.  Patience is not my strong suit, although having a headstrong 2 year old is surely testing it on a daily basis, so I may actually improving it.
Who knows what the future holds?  I certainly do not and as I try to back off the long(ish)-term planning I hope I actually can.  Losing sleep over nothing helps no one and only gives me tummy aches.

Wesley's Second Birthday Party!

 It is so hard for me to believe that it was nearly two years ago that Wes was born.  My sweet little guy, who isn't really a baby anymore, is so smart and sweet.  

 He looks at problems and figures out how to fix them; for example, he stuffed a little finger puppet into a Twinkie toy and he couldn't get it out.  I watched him walk into the kitchen and get a fork out of the drawer, go back to his toy and fish out the finger puppet with the fork.  

 My sweet little guy showed me the sign for 'baby' all on his own a few months back, but the other day he walked out of his room carrying one of his stuffed toys and called it his baby.  I asked how do you hold a baby and he cradled it and told me 'baby' again.

 He gives the sweetest kissies and is so good at hugging Casey when he gets home at night.  I can't believe it has only been two years...