What my emotions sound like

When I was a junior in high school I went to see "Good Will Hunting" on a date, which was pretty significant.  Not because of the date but that the movie was a vehicle for me to hear Elliott Smith for the first time. 
I felt so much hearing that music that I went to the library to rent the soundtrack (if that doesn't take you back).  I remember sitting outside on our back patio with my Discman (again, dating myself) and listening to the soundtrack over and over while I had it checked out. Elliott's music spoke to me then and still speaks to me now.  I didn't know anything about him or his struggles but he felt so much and his music touched me in a way that really, honestly changed me. 
I had mostly listened to music that was popular or exposed to at home.  Top 40, R&B, oldies, country were what was on my radio and I had not explored anything beyond that.  Elliott Smith made me think about music beyond it's catchiness or danceability.  He made me feel things  hadn't before, like melancholy and yearning.  He made me think about what was producing these feelings.
Fast forward a few years and it's 2003, I am living in Las Vegas and for whatever reason the TV is on MTV.  I am pretty sure it was Kurt Loder with breaking news, singer Elliott Smith was dead.  Hearing that news broke my heart and for the first time I mourned for someone I didn't know. I didn't know about his battles with depression and addiction but listening to him I felt like he wanted more.  More from himself, not just for his own good but for those close to him.  I could relate to that and I feel that yearning when he sings to me.
I have often laid in bed at night, listening to him sing me to sleep.  His voice is the music of my emotions.  Every couple of years I go through a period where I listen only to his music for days on end and Casey goes crazy when I do this.  But I need to hear this music, I need to hear his voice. 
Today, Casey sent me this link and I watched it and I almost cried.  I had to stop watching it, I was too emotional. 
I had never met Elliott Smith, I didn't even know his music too well before his death but he continues to make an impact on me all these years later.

A Wes Update

 Somehow in the last fourteen months Wesley has gone from a baby to a little boy.  I knew it was going to happen.  I was expecting it to happen.  Still, somehow without me actually being aware of it, he made the change without letting me know it was happening.

 He went from crawling last October to fully walking in March to running around now.  He has to actually wear shoes now when we leave the house, not for the purpose of being cute but because he walks with me into the store and then back out; I'm no fool (despite what some think) and he goes in the cart at every store that has one, even if I go in for one thing.  Wes is an explorer, he wants to see what everything is everywhere and his curiosity results in him being labeled a "runner" when we are out in public.  Then I'm that mom that abandons her cart in the middle of the store to chase her kid down.  Nope, mommy don't play that.

 He went from saying only "Da" to calling everyone "Daddy" to copying everything you say now.  His vocabulary grows every day and it amazes me.  We started watching "Signing Time" videos with him when he was about 6 months old and consistently did the signs for eat, drink, and sleep with him.  I didn't actually think that we were getting anywhere until he starting doing the sign for eat by himself.  

 I then realized that there were "Baby Signing Time" videos that were a lot simpler, less distracting and he has learned so much from these videos.  Some of the signs that he knows are: please, thank you, juice, apple, banana, orange, cheese, popcorn, cracker, shoes, socks, jacket, hat, bird, cat, dog, horse, frog, car, sorry, play, all done, ball...I can't think of any more signs right now.  We say his words when we sign and I really think that signing has been really helpful at getting him to speak.

 He has his own vocabulary right now and I love it!  If you ask him "Did you do that?" sometimes he'll respond with "I did it" or sometimes with "I do'ed it."  Once when we were in Lowe's we saw a bird in the rafters and I pointed it out to him and signed and said "bird" and now every time we go into a warehouse-type store he looks up at the sprinklers and says "bird."  He calls everyone "Daddy" and is now barely starting to distinguish that I am "Mom."  He once called my dad "Hot Dog" instead of Grandpa, calls Lula "Lala", crackers are "cra'ers," bananas are "nanas," apples are "ap-pul," and cheese is "cheeeeese!"

 I think we are getting close to starting potty training.  Out of nowhere, about two weeks ago, he told me "I poop" and upon checking his diaper, he sure did.  So every time I see him pooping, I ask him if he is pooping and he tells me "I poop."  Today, again without any prompting, he looked at me and told me "I pee pee."  And he did.  Wes becoming more verbal and being more aware of his diaper status is hopefully going to make this potty training-thing easier.  I need to be more vigilant of when he is going to the bathroom; the other day as he was pooping, I noticed and took him to the bathroom and sat him on the toilet.  When he was done I let him flush it, which he really liked.  I think stuff like that will help the process along; I also just ordered him his own little training potty so that will be fun as well.

 Wes loves electronics.  Phones, laptops, tablets, TVs, remotes, the Wii, controllers for the PS3, basically if it can light up in someway and has buttons, he loves it.  He has figured out how to swipe on my phone, how to power down my laptop, open up the disc drive on Casey's laptop, start the timer on Casey's watches, program something to record on the DVR, turn on the PS3 from the remote, turn on and off all of his electronic toys, and climb things to get to the light switches in the main living areas.

 Wes' personality is developing and I love seeing who he is turning out to be.  He is curious and fearless, yet he can be shy sometimes still.  He shares his food and drinks with us (sometimes forcefully) even if he doesn't always share his toys so well.  He is a flirt, he loves to be tickled and to laugh and scream and get chased around.  He loves to play with his cousins but is perfectly content to play by himself in his room sometimes (mostly when he is supposed to be napping).  Wes doesn't always want to take his naps or go to bed but he will almost always walk himself to his room even is crying while doing so.  

 He gives the best kisses and hugs and sweet, sweet smiles.  Sometimes he's grouchy and whiny and not perfect and I get so exasperated with him, but then he isn't anymore and then I'm not.  And I'm so thankful for him.  Wesley is more and less and easier and harder then I ever imagined he would and could be.  But he is worth the cold meals, the loss of sleep, the headaches, the bumps and bruises and occasional bites.  He is always worth it.

Crazy Real Dreams

I have really vivid dreams sometimes and when I wake up, I'm still in them.  I feel and act like I am still inside the dream and it really makes me sad when or scared when I wake up.  I often times have a sense of deja vu and I think it's because I remember some of my dreams so well.
One particular dream I remember I had about five years ago.  In my dream, Casey and I just had a baby boy and for the life of me I couldn't get him to latch on properly while breastfeeding him.  I was so upset that he was going to starve and I woke up crying. 
It just so happened that Casey was calling me from school to see what was going on and I answered sobbing that I couldn'y feed the baby.  He was a little concerned, to say the least, when I explained what I meant and he told me that we didn't have a baby.  I said that I knew that, it's just that the dream felt so real.
Also, during my pregnancy, I knew we were going to have a boy.  I had dreams of holding and playing with a little boy and was calling Wes a him long before we officially knew.  My sister also had dreams that I was carrying a boy, so it's not just me that dreams this way.
Last week when Wes was sick with the croup, I had a dream that there was an evil spirit in our house trying to hurt us.  It was in our bedroom only and anytime someone came in our room to try to help us, the spirit went after them as well. 
In the middle of the dream Wes woke up screaming.  He has occasionally woken up, sitting straight up in bed and screaming his head off.  When I go in there, though, he isn't actually awake.  As soon as I lay him down he is fine again.
When I heard him scream my first thought was that the spirit had Wes and I jumped out of bed.  I ran into his room and laid him down again and he was fine as soon as I laid him down he went out right away.  I, on the other hand, had a hard time going back to bed.  As I walked back to bed I had to really try not to jump into bed from a safe distance and I was a bit wary of going to the bathroom first, since it was so dark.
These dreams are so real when I'm having them and I that's why I think I can remember them so well for so long.  I had another dream last night but I won't say about what yet.  I want to see what comes of it without being let down. 

Wes' first ER visit

A day and a half after his first visit to the ER, he seemed to be doing better.  

Not 100% better, but better nonetheless.  

 The last week and a half of December was pretty hectic for us.  Not that the rest of December was any less crazy, but the last week and a half of December and the first few days of January just kicked my butt.

 On December 16 I got the bright idea to surprise Casey for his birthday (on the 23rd) and get him a nice dinner out and a room up in Park City for the night, just on Friday night since we had plans for the rest of the weekend.  I had planned everything, got my parents to watch Wes for the night, but we had Casey's work party to go to first and I couldn't figure out how to make it all work.  I ended up telling him about his surprise before to make sure that he had enough diabetes supplies to last the night.  But he didn't have any idea so the surprise worked out perfectly.  

 We went to his office party and had a great time.  There was food and drinks aplenty and we hung out with his work peeps.  We ended up leaving for Park City a little later than I had planned but we made it before seven and had a nice dinner at the hotel restaurant and then drank two bottles of champagne.  After we stopped at the lobby bar for drinks.  It seemed like a great idea at the time but apparently turning 30 has amplified my hangovers.  Luckily I did not get any sicker than a lingering headache.  Mickey D's breakfast and a drive home seemed to take care of most of my hangover, but little did we know what other headaches were coming our way.

 We came home and got everything ready for the birthday party that I had planned for Casey that evening.  My parents called my about two o'clock and said that Wes sound wheezy and was running a fever.  Since one of my sisters is a Respiratory Therapist and she worked at Primary Children's Hospital I called her to see what she thought we should do, but she was unavailable.  Next I called my other sister, who is a Registered Nurse, and she called my mom and she had her check a couple of things and we decided that they would bring him home as planned and we would go from there.  He wasn't struggling to breathe and he wasn't blue so he was getting enough oxygen.

 We had invited family and friends over for Casey's birthday party at seven and we kept debating whether or not to run up to my parent's house and take him to his pediatrician before the party but my RT sister called me back and said she would check him when they got to our house.  

 As soon as my parents got to my house, I could see Wes wasn't feeling his best.  I could hear a very distinct wheeze on every breath.  He had a slight fever but as soon as his cousins got here he just wanted to play with them.  As he was running around though, he started coughing and "barking" and wheezing so we made the decision to take him into the hospital.  My RT sister said it was probably croup and both she and my other sister said he wasn't struggling to breathe, but we just wanted to be safe and take care of our baby.

 We decided to go to Primary Children's Hospital, mainly because if we went to an InstaCare close to us they wouldn't be equipped to do a breathing treatment if he needed it .  I was also thinking that if it was something more serious, on the off chance, I wanted to make sure that he was somewhere that could take him and not a clinic where he would then have to be transported to a hospital.  Luckily we got there at a good time, as Casey walked in with Wes and almost immediately a nurse was getting a room ready for him while he was getting checked-in.  

 I parked the car and made it inside just as he was getting his bracelet and taken back to have his vitals checked.  He didn't like the bracelet around his ankle and he pulled the pulse oximeter off of his finger but he did okay for the rest of his vitals.  He was still registering a slight fever and then we went back to an exam room.  We got in there about 8:30 and within twenty minutes a NP came in to check on Wes.  He decided it was croup and congestion and that we would do a cool mist treatment, have him suctioned and see how it went from there.

 The nurse came in to do the cool mist treatment, and as soon as she turned to the machine on and the mist came out and Wesley freaked out.  Casey was holding him, the nurse was holding the mask and pointing it towards Wes' face and I was just trying to calm him down and hold him down and help wherever I was needed.  And then I took him in my arms and held him after he was done and tried to calm him down.  Maybe I cried with him for a bit, and that's okay, but he just about broke my heart.  After the nurse was done, he told her "Bye" over and over, so that she would take the hint and leave.  So smart, even when he wasn't feeling the best. 

 Thank God for smart phones; watching "Shaun the Sheep" on my phone is how we got him calmed down.  It didn't hurt that they brought him a slushie to cool his throat and relax it, but watching the cartoon really helped him focus on something and calm down.  At this time, we were waiting to see what was going to happen next and we just waited and waited.  After about 45 minutes the NP came in and asked how the suctioning went and when we told him it hadn't, he went out to get the RT.  

 All the time we were waiting, Wes was acting completely normal except for his wheezing.  He was playing with the toys I brought for him, drinking his juice and apple sauce packets, crawling all over the floor and playing with the bed, trying to get out of the door, touching all of the equipment, he was just everywhere and doing seemingly fine.  At some point, an employee (never did get a name or title for her) brought in a Magnadoodle and a large truck for him to play with and he loved it!  I think it's funny that he was having so much fun while we were worried and waiting for something to happen.

 The RT finally came in and checked Wes again and said that he thought that suctioning him would just aggravate him and would counteract everything we were trying to do at this point.  He suggested that we just do an albuterol treatment, which is an inhaled steroid that relaxes muscles in the airways and increases air flow to the lungs.  He asked the doctor to come in and approve his decision so we waited for that.  Then when she decided the RT was right, we waited for the nurse to come back in to administer the treatment.

 If we thought that he didn't like the cool mist treatment from before, that was a picnic compared to this.  He bucked, he screamed, he swatted arms away and tried kicking people away.  Casey and I held him down, Casey had him in a bear hug and I tried to hold his body and legs down while the nurse tried to keep the mask on him.  

 This finished about 11:15 and then we waited for the treatment to do it's thing.  After this treatment, however, he finally started to get tired and was just sitting in our laps and watching "Shaun the Sheep" videos.  Finally about midnight, the RT came and checked him again and said that he was doing better and that once the NP came and cleared him, we could go.  The Nurse Practitioner came pretty quickly after and said he was good to go, we just needed to check out and the nurse would come get that done.  I wanted to get Wes ready then, get him bundled up and get all of his stuff ready but Casey said we should wait until we are actually checked out.  Luckily, I listened to him because we had to wait until about 12:30 to have someone come get his vitals and get us checked out.  

 As I ran to get the car Casey stood outside with Wes waiting for me to pull up to the door.  I was happy that we decided to head in when we did because the waiting room was full of people and kids and I couldn't imagine spending longer than the four hours we were there.  We hadn't even pulled out of the parking lot and I think Wes was asleep already.

 As we drove home, through downtown Salt Lake, and passed all the clubs and bars I was reminded how different a few years could change everything.  Sure it had been a stressful night and my sweet little boy wasn't feeling well, but I didn't envy all of those people.  I have Casey and Wes and my family and friends.  It's nice to go out once in a while but I would rather be with my people, at home.

 It's been two weeks since Wes got sick and he got worse before he got better.  My poor guy spent the next day snuggled with his Daddy watching movies in between naps and meals.  We had the Eggett family dinner that night and had decided Wes and I wouldn't go but were convinced to go and we are glad that we did.  It was good to see everyone there and he was so happy to see all of his cousins.  However, he was ready to go at about eight, and told us very clearly "I go. Bye."  I thought he might just want to take a walk outside but no, he wanted to go so we went.  The next day was Christmas Eve and we had plans to go to my parents so I let him sleep in and just put him in his Christmas jammies for the day so it would be easier for him and me.  He had fun that night and we had fun with my parents.  About eight he did the same thing, said he wanted to to, so we laid him down in the pack-n-play upstairs and watched our annual viewing of "Elf" and played cards.  Christmas we were late to family festivities because Wes didn't want to nap until w had to leave.  Literally, I was ready and Casey was finishing up and I ran into his room to get him up to go and he finally fell asleep.  So we settled down and waited for him to wake up.  But we made it to both sides, saw everyone and Wes had a good time.

 He is all the way better now but our routines are thrown off quite a bit.  I'll take that trade though, having to re-establish nap times and binky routines, just to have my happy sweet little boy back.

I took a bunch of pictures of him with the tree, the black and white

 photo above and this one were the two best that I got.