10 years...

“Miss Misery" video

I'm pretty sure I was 16 when a friend and I went to see “Good Will Hunting".  We weren't old enough to see the R-rated film and were going with boys (ooh!) but I really wanted to see this movie.  While it was a good film, and one I can still watch over and over, the soundtrack really got to me. 
I remember going to the library and renting the soundtrack on CD, if that sentence even makes sense anymore.  I listened to it over and over, falling slowly in love with this voice that was so sweet but these words that were so not.  As someone who was raised on the radio Elliott Smith was my first venture, my exploration into non-pop music.
As I got older I started searching out more of his music and have most albums and some live songs, mostly covers.  I feel an intimacy with him that seems inappropriate because I don't actually know him.  Listening to his music always feels like he is singing directly to me, only for me.  He gets me and I him.
I've never suffered from depression but when I do get down I can listen to him and know he gets me.  But I don't need to be down to get him.  I love breaking out into song when “Sweet Adaline" comes on and it makes me happy!  I think even in Elliott's darker stuff there was still a sense of hope to it.
Ten years ago Casey and I were still living in Las Vegas.  I remember having the tv on, tuned to MTV for whatever reason.  All of a sudden Kurt Loder comes on in a breaking news segment to announce that Elliott Smith was dead, from two stab wounds to the chest.  Even after all these years there is no clear indication if his death was a suicide or homicide. 
I remember standing in the hallway of our little apartment, staring at the tv.  Shock and sadness kept me rooted in that spot, listening as what little information was available at the time was rehashed.
I couldn't believe it when Casey asked if I knew what happened 10 years ago today.  He subscribes to Rolling Stone's Twitter feed and always has some random music trivia to make me feel old but today I don't feel old. 
Listening to Elliott Smith's music makes me feel like a 16 year old again: opening myself up to something different and exciting.  Of that rush when a song resonates with you.  When you hit repeat on your discman and get every nuance, every breath intake, every squeak of his fingers sliding across the strings. 
I've yet to find another singer-songwriter who affects me this way and I honestly hope I don't. 

Twelve weeks and counting...

 As of today I am twelve and a half weeks into my second pregnancy.  I am finally feeling much better: the fatigue, the general illness, the blah feeling I felt for almost a month is finally gone.  I finally feel like I can start enjoying this time!
 When I was pregnant with Wesley I had a completely stress-free time, up to the point that I went into early labor with him (here, here, and here.)  There was no morning sickness, no strange pains or bleeding and no abnormalities so I assumed that I would have no problems with any following pregnancies.  Oh, the best laid plans of mice and men... So far I have felt malaise, I have felt nausea and I also got to experience unexplained bleeding.  I freaked out, asked Casey to call my doctor's office (of course it was on a Saturday) and after some debate we decided not to go to the emergency room but wait to go in to get checked out at my doctor's office on Monday.
 There were no other symptoms of anything being wrong but you can't help but worry about every possible thing that could be wrong.  Is this back pain just back pain or is it something more?  After a phone call to the nurse, an appointment was made and I packed Wes into the car and headed to University Hospital to meet Casey at my doctor's office.  I was late, struggling with Wes' shoes that morning and then hitting traffic on 4th South headed up to the U campus.  I parked, grabbed Wes and hurry-walked into the hospital where I handed Wes off to Casey.  As we started walking up to our appointment, I don't know what it was that hit me but I got the rare experience of puking in the lobby of the hospital in front of Starbucks, the piano player and everyone and their dog.  Awesome time made even better when my phone starts ringing and I try to stop vomiting long enough to ask Casey to answer my phone.  Also, some really nice guy comes up to me to ask if I'm okay and instead of saying 'it's morning sickness, nothing to worry about' I just keep saying "I'm fine, my husband is around the corner, I'm fine."
 Having recovered we head up to get a sonogram and Wes is so excited to see the TVs in the room.  He keeps saying "Moo-ie, watch" and then he spins himself around in the spinny chair.  When the tech actually gets to the point where she looks at the baby we try to show Wes on the monitors but he is too interested in the spinny chair, either spinning or pushing buttons on it.  Oh well, we tried.  After the tech left to have the results checked out by the doctor Wes wanted to lay down on the 'bed' and look at the 'moo-ie'.  Wrangling a toddler while pregnant, even with Casey's help, makes me worry that when I am big and cumbersome and more easily tired that I won't be able to keep up with him.
 After everything was checked out, both the baby and I are fine.  I was very happy to see that little heartbeat and watch him/her move around.  The bleeding is left at unexplained but nothing to worry about.  While I'm glad there isn't anything wrong I wish that there was a reason that it happened.  Then I could avoid whatever it was that I did in the future and I could avoid any more stress and worrying.
 My belly is also starting to show already, which makes me glad that I went on a mini shopping spree and bought some maternity shirts last month.  I cannot button my jeans anymore and am loving my belly bands!  I think that I may have to bite the bullet this time and actually buy some maternity jeans that fit well.  My jeans from Maternity Motherhood never seemed to fit very well and they had the dreaded full belly panel that I am hoping to avoid this time around.  My fall sweater jacket is already straining at the buttons so I am already worried how my winter coat is going to fit.  I have looked at some jackets and coats online and I don't want to spend hundreds of dollars on a piece of clothing that I will wear for a six months and then never touch again; on the other hand I don't want to cheap out and freeze my ass off all winter (which is predicted to be a long one) because I don't choose a quality piece to begin with.
 I don't have any super weird cravings thus far like I did with Wes at this point.  My last pregnancy I craved sauerkraut and would come home from work and just warm some up and eat it.  Plain, with nothing else.  After my pregnancy I never touched the stuff.  This time around I crave something sour but not one thing in particular.  Pickles and hot and sour soup seem to hit the spot well enough so far that I'm doing all right.  I have had to fight the urge to drink the pickle juice after I finished a jar of pickles but rationality has won out so far.